Thoughts on duality, oneness, identity, and other random weirdnesses.

It’s difficult going through life as a split personality…Piscean curse I suppose. Of course, both blessings AND curses are double-edged swords anyway…you have the blessing on one side and the curse on the other. The trick is in learning how to effectively WIELD the darn things. This split personality thing tends to lead some people to believe that I’m just nutty as a fruitcake…others think it makes me ‘interesting.’ Most EVERYone will find that maintaining a relationship with me (no matter the level of intimacy) will be absurdly challenging.

On the one hand, I have a deeply spiritual, benevolent, altruistic side, capable of the most admirable self-sacrifice and charity. On the other, I’m equally capable of being an unbearably boorish, solipsistic old bag.

In the face of challenge, I’m capable of unwavering determination and perseverance, tempered with an equal tendency to bolt and run like a wild prey animal at the slightest hint of anything out of the ordinary.

I have an innate aversion to being controlled by anyone or anything – a sometimes unruly tendency toward rebellion against BOUNDARIES. In other words, I will often allow myself to be controlled, but ONLY if I CHOOSE to be, and ONLY for as long as I WISH to be. And there must ALWAYS be an escape route in CLEAR view, and just as easily accessible, just in case (aka HORRIBLY claustrophobic). Some people call this a ‘free spirit.’ I think this is just a KIND of way of saying ‘you’re WILD.’

I am capable of exercising the tenaciousness of a pit bull, while still often finding it difficult to finish many things I start. I think part of this is my short attention span (though never officially diagnosed as such, there is no doubt in either my own mind nor that of anyone who knows me well, that I am CHRONICALLY afflicted with Attention Deficit Disorder), and part is that I tend to become bored quite easily. Which is just one of many reasons I now tend to shy from relationships with the opposite sex…what I want in a mate today, could be completely different from what I may want next week. What turns me on one day, may utterly turn me off down the road. Worse yet, what may today be a desire to have someone compatible with whom to share my life with, may tomorrow be “Get outta my face and go find something to DO with your annoying self!” It would simply not be fair to expect ANY man to be able to play the many different roles that would be required to hold my interest indefinitely. Fortunately for mankind, now that I’m no longer the hot little thing I once was, there’s not really a long line of men convinced I would be worth taking on the challenge to conquer my peculiarities anyway. In fact, there is no line at ALL. Pfffffft….

I can often find enough middle ground to enable me to get along well with most anyone, even those who dislike me, or those whom I dislike. I may often come across as clueless, and as though I have no idea what’s going on around me. I find this technique to be invaluable, particularly in associations with deceitful and treacherous individuals. When you allow someone to believe you’re clueless, and that they can easily pull one over on you, they tend to become rather careless, thereby exposing their own treacheries all the more clearly…not only to you, but everyone else. It gives me a smug sense of control, knowing that I KNOW the truth about what they are, and that THEY are really the ones that have no clue. (Nor are they aware of the subtle subversities that I will often exercise to undermine those who treat me badly.) I have no issues with someone disliking me…it could very well be that I don’t like them either. Just don’t TREAT me as if you dislike me. Do not lie to me and do not lie about me (if you do, I will know, but YOU will likely never KNOW that I know), do not use me (excessively…MODERATELY is often okay), do not arrogantly mock me unjustly. JUSTIFIED mockery is sometimes acceptable, but only from those who have the self-awareness to acknowledge that THEY are equally as imperfect – most such folk HAVE no such self-awareness…if they did, they would not be arrogant.

I have a relatively high tolerance for pain, whether physical or emotional. It’s not that I don’t FEEL it, it’s just that I’m too stubborn and proud to let on like I do. I wasn’t always like that…when I was young, I wore my heart on my sleeve. After a few decades of adult life, one learns that is not a wise practice. The other extreme – encasing said heart within a thick, multi-layered stone wall is probably equally as unwise – yet another area in which I am constantly struggling to find balance. As  impenetrable as my walls may appear to be, the observant person will notice that the ‘innocents’ (children, animals, the elderly, the generally abused, helpless and downtrodden) have free access to move in and out of said walls at will. Please note, if you are ever granted access to said heart, and you VIOLATE that privilege in any way, you will be permanently expelled. When I’m done with someone emotionally, I’m done…there is no going back. I can be civil, sometimes even ‘nice’ to you, but you will never again be allowed even within shouting distance, of the deepest places. When I’m done, I’m DONE.

So this is me…the two fishes swimming in opposite directions. Sometimes, one may be swimming a bit more vigorously than the other, but more often than not, it’s a constant contest. You can never be quite sure as to which you will be dealing with – good luck with that one. The majority of my life journey has been spent desperately seeking a comfortable place of BALANCE between these 2 inherent extremes. This has proven to be an awkward undertaking unsuited for the faint of heart. Fortunately, I have a pretty STRONG heart…God KNEW someone like me would NEED said endurance to tackle these ‘blessings’ he has bestowed upon me. Perhaps the first day of a new year is as good a time as any to do an introspective evaluation of oneself – figure out who you are, as opposed to what you SHOULD be – get your bearings and figure out WHERE you are, as opposed to where you SHOULD be, or WANT to be. I’m not really sure I’ve accomplished either in this treatise (or would this be a manifesto? or is it just bullshit?), but at least I put forth the effort. And have hereby had enough COFFEE to now greet the world with at least some semblance of awareness…

(Then again, perhaps this enlightened state of AtOneness is not all it’s cracked up to be…it looks a bit SCARY TO ME…)

XBoxes and PlayStations have only one virtue that I can see: their potential bribery value.

Atticus is the most cantankerous baby mockingbird I’ve ever had to care for. Hands down. There must be a message in this somewhere…

I took in some sun in the pool today.  My feet were swarmed by a legion of angry ants when I inadvertently stepped on their mound while cleaning my pool. Well EXCUSE me. Take note for future reference: you cannot kill a legion of ants by flooding their hill with a strong, disruptive water flow. I BLASTED that hill until it was nothing but mud colored liquid. 3 mins later after the ground had soaked up the puddle, it was swarmed with frantic ants again. Oh well, at least I was able to give them something to keep them busy for the rest of the afternoon.

I gathered up all my art supplies in preparation for receiving my sketchbook for the Sketchbook Project 2011. I think I’m going to work my way through another sketchbook diary with the assistance of exercises in old book by Betty Edwards, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain…hands down one of the best books on drawing (if not THE best book) that I’ve ever seen.

The picture I had planned to post for Day 6 has disappeared. I think I might have accidentally overwritten it. Thus, my opening statement sounds a bit out of place and confusing, but I’m leaving it there anyway so you can use your imagination as to what it might have been. I will use Day 7′s picture for both days, as the event that this picture marks is quite worthy of covering 2 days!

I zonked out on the sofa before I had a chance to finish and post this entry, so now it’s actually…

DAY 7
I took the kids to church this morning because my pastor left a message on the phone telling me to have them there today. Keke, my granddaughter, was supposed to go to church with her other grandmother, but found out at 11pm last night she could stay and go with us. I didn’t really want to get up and drive to Greenville this morning, but I did. We were a bit late, but we went anyway. Just before the message, Pastor Ron had everyone clear out the first 10 rows so that all the teens in the building could sit there instead, because his message was especially geared toward them this morning. Turned out there was more teens than those 10 rows could hold, so they had to clear out more. Keke asked me, “Do WE have to go down there?” and I said yes. Even though they were at the back of the line of kids heading in that direction, somehow MY 2 grandkids ended up on the FRONT row. And BOY was the message for them! He ended with an altar call, or invitation, or whatever you want to call it, and my 2 grandkids were the FIRST to go up! I was in the balcony screaming…not hollering mind you…SCREAMING, and crying. I hugged both the strangers on either side of me and said, “My kids are down there!.” And that made the strangers cry too. And to top it all off, they were serving up BBQ ribs (Keke’s FAVORITE) for lunch in the church cafe where we ate after the service. Keke told me she cried more at the altar this morning than she ever had in her life.

Over 5 hours later and I’m still speechless in the afterglow. I’m realistic enough to know that they will not magically become perfect teenagers just because of this morning. But I have enough faith to believe that whatever transpired between them and their God this morning was real, and it will make a difference in the course of their lives.

There were only two other notable events for today:
1] I went to the grocery store today so I wouldn’t have to tomorrow night, and
2] this ornery cuss of a bird, Atticus FINALLY decided at his last meal today, to start opening his mouth for his food so I no longer have to wrestle with him to feed him. He can fly now, kinda sort of. Problem is, he can’t fly well. Plus, in the wild, the parents will stay with their babies for the first couple of weeks after fledging to teach them how to hunt for food, to supplement their diet and to protect them. Atticus’s parents presume their family is gone now, so Atticus will have to stay in MY care much longer than either he or I would really care for him to. As if I really NEEDED yet one more rebellious teen to contend with around here. Oh well, at least TWO of them made me proud today. I might take this BIRD to the altar next Sunday…

It’s Monday. I always mean to go to the grocery store on the weekend but never seem to get to it. So once again, today is grocery day. I HATE going to the grocery store. It was pleasant, however, to see one of the most adorable people I know while there though…Karen Osborne. She was buying spaghetti for supper for her and Fredrick. I was almost done with what was on my list, but there goes the power of suggestion. Had to go back down the spaghetti isle.

Today was also garbage haul day, since it was too rainy Saturday to do our regular Saturday haul. I hate that my precious little Kia has come to smell like a garbage dump. It’s quite unpleasant in the summer.

Monday is weigh-in and measurement day. Wasn’t pretty. I’ve been very good with my workouts the past couple of weeks but not so good with the diet. Could be why there is no change in my body size and composition. I was good on both counts today. I will be good on both counts again tomorrow. I will not attempt to overwhelm myself with any further commitments.

Kendall is growing up. Spent the day driving around with his friends with Chandler. He can’t grow up quite fast enough for me. I love him, I do, but I never wanted to raise another child into adulthood. My first experience with that adventure was more than enough to suit me. It didn’t go well. He most often hates me the most…the one and ONLY person who has always been there, through thick and thin (lots more thick than thin). What irony.

Third, and judging from the forecast, last day of heavenly weather. ..a most welcome break from the hell of July 2010 in SC…HOTTEST one I remember in a long while, if not THE hottest (if only because its the freshest in my memory).

Groceries put away. Facebook checked. Workout done. Frozen diet dinner entree devoured. Now for the high point of my Mondays: Monday night comedies that culminate with the Big Bang Theory. When I’m done laughing, I’ll read myself to sleep with a book borrowed from another very special friend, Jeraldine: Eat, Love, Pray.

BAZINGA!!!

Soooo many things I want to say on this subject. Instead of simply throwing in my own 2 cents worth into the ongoing arguments, may I propose that there might be a BETTER way. Indeed, according to the scriptures that we, as Christians claim to adhere to, there is only ONE WAY to overcome evil. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with GOOD.” (Romans 12:21) Arguing and bickering is not GOOD. Willful ignorance is not GOOD. Spreading sensationalist exaggerations and propagating outright LIES is not GOOD. Attacking everything and everyone who doesn’t agree with you is not GOOD.

According to those same scriptures, “our struggle is NOT against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12) Since this passage was written a very long time ago, I don’t believe the ‘rulers’ and the ‘authorities’ referred to here is our own U.S. President Obama…the ‘evil in the heavenly places’ is not referring to Democrats in Washington, D.C. (or even ‘rogue’ Republicans from Alaska).

On this National Day of Prayer, might I suggest that ALL believers EVERYwhere come together to do just that…PRAY. For at least this ONE day, could we, as believers just PRACTICE what we PREACH…and just PRAY?!

Once the bull fighter got his hand loose and he was able to hit the ground, he stayed there for a few long, tense moments. But the young fella WALKED out of the arena on his own. Yep, he walked slow and had a bit of a gimp, but walk he did.

I got a total of 10 shots of this ride, but missed the most important one…the one of the cowboy walking out of the arena. Well actually, I DID get that one, but it was blurred as all get out because I was so excited to see him walking out on his own and so busy clapping and cheering, I wasn’t paying attention to GETTING THE SHOT. Well, whatever. It’s no secret that I need to work on my photo documentary skills. Most important thing was COWBOY UP!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW MORE IMAGES FROM THIS EVENT!

As usual, I was a late-comer…still trying to juggle a dozen things at one time on a Saturday morning. I FINALLY get there and get ready to shoot my first shot and realize I don’t have a CF card in the camera…they’re all at home sitting on top of my laptop. Thank GAWD I set my camera to NOT shoot withOUT a CF card. Otherwise, I might have spent all day in the rain and ended up with NOTHING at all to show for it.

Because of all my running around during the earliest part of the rodeo, I missed some of the best events and without a doubt, the best weather for shooting action shots with my slow lens. I’ve got a good range, good quality lens that zooms from 70-300mm, BUT, it’s a sloooow 4-5.6 aperture range…just 5.6 at 300mm. I haven’t gotten famous enough yet to justify an expenditure of $4,000+ for a FAST 300mm lens. I might have better luck holding out for that lottery win I’ve got coming my way.

Soooo, all that said, once the sky turned quite dark and drab and the rain started coming down, my film speed of 800, shutter speed of 500 (which was as high as I could go because I have a SLOOOOW lens) and f5.6 aperture just wasn’t cutting it for good stop-action shots. I can set my film speed anywhere from 100-3200 but the catch to that is noise from HELL, even with the noise reduction function turned on. I did somehow manage to get 1 or 2 reasonably acceptable action shots in the rain (though not quite sure how that happened). Truth is, it’s hard to tell if my slow lens was to blame, or whether SOME of the crappy shots might have been due the fact that I still get so excited about getting a shot at times, that I jerk the camera when I shoot…I’d rather just blame the lens.

Tomorrow is another day. Weather reports promise rain will be gone by the time the rodeo starts tomorrow. At least it won’t be DUSTY like it was today before the rain. (That’s right, I just CAN’T BE PLEASED!) The action shots I got BEFORE the rain looked like they were shot in a fog because of the dust. (As you might have noticed, the bad shot is NEVER my fault.)

CLICK HERE TO VIEW MORE IMAGES FROM THIS EVENT!

NOW we KNOW what Santa does in the off season…

Rising costs have affected us all. Apparently, even the North Pole is not exempt from the financial hardships of modern times. It was once speculated that Santa spent the off season basking in the warm Caribbean sun, but who can afford leisure and recreation in such perilous times as these?

I met this jolly old gentleman at a roadside produce stand tucked away on a winding mountain road on our way to Caesar’s Head State Park back in the fall. He kindly posed for several shots of himself and his goods – various and assorted homemade ciders, pickled goods and homegrown canned goods. The prices were a bit steep but who wouldn’t figure a donation to the Santa Claus enterprise to be a worthy cause? And if THIS ain’t Santa Claus, then Virginia…there really AIN’T no Santa Claus!

I was piddling around outside with the rabbit in the backyard one summer afternoon and my grandson, Kendall, got hold of my acoustic guitar and started picking at it trying to play a tune. I won’t divulge how “good” a tune that ended up being, but it certainly made for a memorable portrait!

(Click on the preview above to pull up a full view of the picture.)

There’s a little theme park at the top of a mountain in a town called Maggie Valley, NC. It’s called Ghost Town…an authentic recreation of an old west town complete with cowboys, bad guys, Indians, etc. with old west skits played out throughout the day at varying intervals.

We were wandering around behind some of the stores when I noticed this fellow, apparently on a break from his role as an old west cowboy. He looked to be a full-blood Cherokee. He wasn’t smoking or eating or talking on a cell phone…just standing at the fence, quietly gazing at the mountain scenery before him. He never noticed us, or if he did, he didn’t acknowledge it.

When I look at this shot, I often wonder what he was thinking about…perhaps a time long, long ago when these beautiful mountains were home to his own people, the Cherokee. Though that’s probably a romantic notion. Truth be told, he was probably thinking about whether to have pizza or a sub for lunch…whether he wanted to go meet friends at the local bar after work, or just go home and watch a good movie…maybe even which girlfriend to call to join him.

Even so, I’ll stick to my silly romantic notions…and enjoy my OWN view. Heh.

(Click on the preview above to pull up a full view of the picture.)